Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
