Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
