The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
