Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize