Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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