Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
