You can't motorboat a personality
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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