you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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