I don't usually arrange sex via text message
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
