my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
what day is it and did you see me today?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
