matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If its not for food we ain't going out.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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