I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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