Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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