atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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