New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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