i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Randomize
