Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
