I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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