He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize