I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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