A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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