I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
