Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
