i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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