you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Bring me that man meat
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
