she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
