I'm jealous of your bromance
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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