i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
