woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
