maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
