We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
