i think my tv is drunk
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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