My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
