I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
