I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
