Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
