I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
