from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
