I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
