I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
