I hate all girls vehemently.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
