I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
