Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
