There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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