I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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