how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
