she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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