just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
