i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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