Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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