Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
