Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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