my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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