I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Randomize
