Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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