apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
