I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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