when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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